my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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