I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
