Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
