Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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