who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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