What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
