drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
