Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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