That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
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Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
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I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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