and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
