It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
