That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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