First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
