in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Pants are for mortals
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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