Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
