My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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