Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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