come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
