We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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