You work out of a Hotel?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
