I will die if light touches me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
