I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
