In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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