Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
