i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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