you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
