Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
