Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
