I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
