So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
