Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
