You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
