he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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