I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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