i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
