I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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