If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
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i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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