im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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