you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Thank you for not boning my boss.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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