I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
