I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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