yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I love you.
Bad choice
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
