She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
