Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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