How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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