she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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