and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
