I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
