he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
someone owes me an orgasm
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
