im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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