There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
