I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
