he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
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I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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