Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
