OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm having to shit out rocks
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