Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
