I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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