im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
